where are you when I need you most ?
by MORRlSONOGHUE
Summary: AU - Emma and Killian are married and Killian has to leave the country because he's in the Navy. Read how Emma deal with Killian's absence while he's saving another country.


Hi, so that's my first fanfic after a while. Let me know what you think of it, it would make my heart really happy.

English isn't my first language, so it might have some errors..

xoxo, lex.

* * *

\- N _o, Killian, you just can't leave again so soon._

 _\- I can't say no, and you bloody know it, Emma. You knew what you were getting in when you married me !_ _But you just got home for Fuck's Sake !_

 _They were yelling at each other for the past 30 minutes, after the shock and sadness, Emma got mad as always in these situation. She wasn't exactly mad at Killian, but more at the government and every officer who couldn't take his place. He got back home 6 weeks ago, from their longest time apart and she was so excited to spend with him again, to have him with her again._

 _But they had to take him away and she knew he couldn't say no but that he could ask a delay since he's been away for more than 6 months and back for less that 3, but that bastard didn't want to. She was mad at him for that, for the fact he was choosing the Navy over her, over their marriage._

 _\- I know.. I'm sorry._

 _He looked really sorry, and Emma finally stopped yelling, and got her breathing under control again._

 _\- You're leaving me again for 32 weeks… I couldn't handle 24, how am I going to do this again, Killian ?_

 _She didn't even notice when he began to walk to her, enveloping her in a hug before she even could open her mouth to protest. She let herself fall in his arms, clinging to him._

 _\- I love you, and I'm not choosing the Navy over you._

 _She nodded against his neck, but for the first time, she couldn't believe him. It was like he was trying to get away from her._

 _After some time, Killian finally convinced her that it was a really rare situation and that he would at least get a 18 months out of missions after he got back from this one. She let him take her to bed where they made love, until she couldn't remember where she started and where he ended._

 **Four weeks later**

Emma couldn't bear Killian's absence anymore. She was going crazy without him to calm her. Killian was away in some crazy country in the middle of a war just because he decided to honour his brother after they both got engaged in the Navy.

She loved him for it, but she also hated him for it. Everyday of her life, she was completely scared she would get The visit and her world would crumble. She would lost the love of her life and she knew she wouldn't be able to handle it just as much as she didn't handle well when they got his new mission assignment.

 _I was just getting home when Killian walked through the front door. I was about to call for him when I noticed his appearance, eyes downcast and breathing uneven, which meant bad news. I immediately got scared something happen to him or something like that, i didn't even think about a mission because he was just back from one, the longest one we've even been through and I absolutely hated it._

 _\- Babe..?_

 _He looked at me, and the first think I saw in his eyes were the apologise and the complete defeat. And I knew well before he even opened his mouth to tell me that he had to leave me again. I let myself fell on the floor in the middle of the kitchen, trying to control my breathing and my reaction because I didn't want him to stopped doing what he loved the most just because I couldn't handle the situation._

 _I felt him, sitting in front of me before he pulled me into his arms, cradling my face in his shoulder. I cried and cried, trying to calm myself but it was like I was drowning and he wouldn't be here to save me, not this time._

 _After some time and some comfort word from Killian, i finally stopped crying but rested in his arms, enjoying the way he could make me feel better simply by holding me and I teared up again, thinking that I would lose it all, all over again in 2 weeks._

 _\- I can't believe they make you leave again so soon, you just got back dammit._

 _\- I know, love. I wish I could do something for it not to happen._

 _I nodded in his shoulder and closed my arms around him, holding him as close as humanly possible because that was the only thing I could do._

Emma let herself flopped down on the couch, trying not to cry after remembering all of this. She didn't want to be weak but She seriously didn't think she would be able to get through another of his mission after this one. She hated the feeling of being vulnerable even more than she hated the navy for taking her man away, again.

She tried to get her mind off of the situation she was in by going out with friends, but they were constantly asking questions regarding Killian and how was everything there, or she visited museum and stuff like that but it wasn't the same by herself. Even watching TV and sleeping were impossible, her body was still searching for his. It still wasn't used to being alone in our Queen size bed.

 **9 weeks later**

Emma finally got the hang of her life back as a Navy Wife. She got back her schedule where she was never at home, only to eat dinner and sleep. She was working like crazy, taking all the cases she could to keep busy and out of the house.

Mary-Margaret and David tried to spend time with her, but when Emma Swan had made her mind about something, it was unlikely to change it. So they just let her know that they were here if needed and let some food in her fridge too, because they all knew how much she loves to cook.

 _It was Saturday morning, and for once I woke up before Killian, he was always up with the sun, and she never understood how he was able to do that without any alarm or complain. For once in her life, she had the chance to return the favour. I kissed his lips before getting out of the bed to get ready for the bed, and by ready I mean putting new underwear and Killian's shirt to go to the kitchen._

 _I took all the ingredients out of the fridge to make his favourite, pancakes and bacon. I needed to look on the Internet to get the right recipe, because, well, I suck in the kitchen. While I was measuring the milk and sugar, I heard Killian starting to wake up, his groans made me smile because he was acting like a little kid in the morning. I loved seeing him like that, sleepy and cute. Don't tell him, I said that or he would have my head._

 _I cursed when I let the flour containment fell on the floor, covering myself with it. That's when I heard his laugh, he was making fun of the situation, of me. I turned around and looked at me, throwing dagger with my eyes until he stopped. He walked in the bathroom, getting his usual morning shower while I kept making our breakfast, or at least tried to make it._

 _I was finally pouring the pancakes mix on the pan when I heard Killian calling for me, I knew what he was trying to do and I tried to resist but my body was a traitor. It was already reacting to his voice and what I would find if I walked in that room. A very wet Killian for a really horny Emma._

 _I shook my head, trying to suppress these images from my head but it was harder than I thought. I flipped the bacon and put some pancake mix on the pan again, trying at least to get some done before joining him. It took more time that I intended, because the next thing I knew, was Killian walking in the kitchen with nothing on but a towel. He came behind me and hugged me. I closed my eyes and let him hold me closer, kissing my neck._

 _\- I missed you when I woke up._

 _\- Mmh, I know babe.. but I wanted to make you breakfast._

 _I couldn't ignore what my body was screaming to me and that's how we ended up making out in the middle of our kitchen on a Saturday morning. We were kissing and touching, I was so close to my first climax when suddenly he stopped touching me. I was about to protest when I finally realised why he stopped._

 _There, in the middle of our living room was Mary-Margaret, completely freaked out. That's when I realised the fire alarm and I finally turned my head enough to see the fire on our kitchen counter._

 _\- Fuck Killian ! You made me do this._

 _He apologise but I could see he didn't mean it with the way his eyes were shinning and how he tried not to smile too much for Mary Margaret's sake. Emma was banned to cook after that event._

 **12 weeks later**

Finally it was Friday, she could go home and relax in a few hours. She was getting excited at that thought. She really wanted to enjoy this weekend, even if she was all alone. She wasn't going to waste yet another weekend because her stupid perfect husband was risking his life somewhere in the world.

The worst in that situation was that she didn't even know where he was. She had no idea, so she spent her time wondering at every news from every country in war. She was scared, completely terrified. After some time, thinking about that again. She knew her plans for the weekend wouldn't help her think of anything else.

Her phone got off right when she was getting ready to leave work, and the text she saw here made her smile.

" Hey Auntie Emma, Could we have a sleepover this weekend ? Daddy has to leave for work. love you "

Her smile grew bigger as she read the text and before she knew it she already replied she would do it only if Gracie took one of her Disney movies. That was their tradition, a Disney movie for every sleepover. She got a positive answer and let Grace and Jefferson, she would pick the girl up in 30 minutes.

As Emma was driving to Jefferson's place, her mind was full of memory of Killian with kids, Leo, Grace, Henry, Little Liam, but the one she clung to was one with the girl she was about to spend the weekend with.

 _Killian and I were planning on spending our day off in bed, enjoying each other company when he got a text. I groaned against his chest, tightening my arms around him, to keep him where he was. I didn't want to know what was going on, because I knew it would take him away from me._

 _I wasn't possessive of jealous, but sometimes I loved to spend some quality time with my husband and we didn't have enough of that since he was across the world for most of the year. I just wanted to enjoy being with him for once._

 _After some time, my phone start going off as well, and it was his turn to moan. I giggled and finally got our phones, checking my texts while he did the same. As soon as my brain understood what was going on, I let my head fall on the mattress, face down, groaning._

 _\- Well love, it seems it's finally our turn to babysit Gracie._

 _I groaned even louder to make him understand how happy I was with that situation._

* * *

 _Grace had been here for an hour or two and I hadn't been able to stop smiling, just by seeing Killian with kids. That picture melt my heart, as always. We were walking through a park and Grace was constantly asking questions about what was around us, like "Why birds fly ?" or "why is the sky blue?" and Killian was answering with so much truth and love that I couldn't stop imagining him with our kids. We both wanted kids, but we were waiting for Killian to come home for more than 3-4 months. I was lost in thought when I heard Grace's question._

 _\- Uncle Killy, do you love auntie Emma ?_

 _I smiled at her question, such an innocent one, and I already knew the answer but I wanted to know what he would tell her._

 _\- Mmh… I think I do.. but I love you more._

 _He was smiling at her, and I could see Grace blushing and hiding her face behind her hands while giggling. I laughed and kissed him, right in front of the little girl who squealed in happiness._

Emma couldn't stop smiling after remembering such an happy memory. She watched the happy family getting away from her.

 **17 weeks later**

It was late when Emma finally arrived at her hotel. She didn't even take the time to take a shower or anything, she just let herself fall into bed. She turned around and look at the room, smiling when another set of memory slammed into her mind.

 _Killian was doing some job on his computer while we were supposed to be on break from work, both of us. I wouldn't let him do that, not to us. I started walking to him, in a predatory way. I was gonna take what I wanted, him. Killian looked up when he heard the way my breathing changed._

 _\- Emma ?_

 _I smiled at him, and crooked my finger at him. As always, he followed. I pulled him in by his shirt, kissing him passionately. I released his lips and murmured words that took him by surprise, not because I never used them but because he didn't expect me to say them now._

 _\- Make love to me._

 _I did not give him time to protest, my lips were already glued to his. I pushed my tongue between his lips, seeking its twin, moaning under the sensations. My pelvis was against his, eager to feel his desire for me. His hands on my hips, brought me closer, if possible. He turned us around and put me on the desk he was using. My legs fell open for him and he took the invitation, pressing his body firmly against mine. I moaned loudly as I felt his arousal rub against my core. I started unbuttoning his shirt, letting my hands run through his chest hair._

 _I kissed him again and again, more passionately each time. I needed him to make love to me, now. I actually didn't want slow and sweet. I wanted hard and fast. I pushed him back, pulled his shirt off to admire his chest. I licked my lips with envy at what was in front of me. I ran my fingers on the front of Killian's jeans, playing with his cock._

 _\- So, will you ?_

 _He just moaned and crashed his lips against mine. He took advantage of the sounds I was making to slip his tongue in my mouth, exploring the depth of my throat. I let my hands go to his hair, pulling on them to anchor myself to him, to something real because what I was feeling couldn't be real._

 _\- Killian !_

 _He grinned as he kissed my neck, nipping and licked the skin here. I knew he was marking me and instead of the usual reaction I made I could feel my body temperature getting higher and higher. I let my head fall back, to give him better access. I was probably hurting him with how hard I was pulling on his hair, but the way he groaned let me know how much he liked it._

 _I felt his fingers run on my nipples, making them harden. I unconsciously clasped my hands on his, begging him to continue silently. I was lost in my pleasure and did not realise right away that he had taken off my t-shirt and bra. He, then, put his hands on my stomach, sliding them down, on my thighs to get me in his arms to walk us to the bed._

 _\- No ! Killian..here. Make me love right here._

Emma shook her head, trying to clear her head but what could she do when all she could think about was him, them together, making the other lose control and climax.

Her breathing grew ragged and her heart skipped a beat as the images of Killian making love to her refused to leave her mind. Desire pooled low in her belly again, filling her with aching need.

Closing her eyes, she knew there was only one way she was going to get to back to sleep. Her legs splay wide and her hips buck, wildly out of step with the suddenly slick fingers that dive between her legs. She tries to calm herself. Tries to focus and find her rhythm, but she's too horny for that. Too utterly horny and angry, angry at him for leaving her.

Her hand glided down on her breast, playing with her nipples. As the other continued over her stomach, finding her damp folds, a gush of warmth nearly scalding her as she pressed her index finger on her clit and start making tiny circle on the bundle of nerves.

She presses at her clit. Plucks and circles, but it's like every well-known inch of her body has hidden itself away. Every practiced, tried and true maneuver just ratchets up the tension as release skitters just out of reach.

She slides her hand further down. Grinds against the heel of it and slips a finger inside herself. Another and another. She rocks her hips helplessly upward. Her free hand closes hard around her breast, but it's all empty, clumsy, frustrating gesture.

\- Damn you!

Her voice pierces even the thick air of the summer night. She swears the people in the room next to her can hear her, but she's past caring. She twists on to her side, her hand still desperately cupped between her legs.

\- Damn you, Jones.

She moans into the pillow, and his name is like an invocation. It calls back the tide of memory. Her fingers are feather-light this time as they glide up her ribs. Feather light as she trails a lazy zig zag over and around her clit. Her breath catches, and she remembers the huff of laughter against her neck. Call and response when he'd realised that she's ticklish. She hears the low, seductive burr of his voice in her ear— **allow me** —as his hand slipped between their bodies, confident and unerring as he coaxed her right to the edge and waited for her to fall first.

 **Allow me.**

She surrenders to it then. The tide of memory and more. She imagines his hands. His fingers gliding through the mess of her desire. His tongue. His teeth nipping and tugging at one breast, then the other. She imagines the weight of his body pressing hers hard into the mattress, the drive of his hips and the maddening, full sensation of him seated deep within her. She hears the litany of filthy, funny, earnest things he'd murmur when he thought she was far gone enough that he might get away with it. The filthy, funny, earnest things dancing behind his eyes when he didn't dare say a word. She imagines the two of them. His body and hers and how good they were in every ridiculous place. Every ludicrous situation, how good, and every nerve in her snaps taut like a sheet caught by a sudden summer wind. She comes abruptly enough that her eyes fly wide. She sees herself in the long mirror across the room, wide-eyed and open mouthed, her skin milk-white in the dim light through the window. She sees herself for just a moment before she's falling back into the pillows into the tangle of linen, already more than half asleep as the tension bleeds out.

 **24 weeks later**

Emma was starting to get desperate. She was really bad at handling that situation but again she had to remind herself it was only for 8 more weeks. She would actually be away for almost a month, visiting her parents and childhood friend, Ruby. They hadn't spend any time together lately, but as always when Killian was away, they were trying to get together, either way in Boston or in Maine. It didn't matter where, she just needed to see her best friend.

Spending time with her parents and best friend, really helped her going through the rest of his absence, because they always knew what to tell her to make her feel better. Like how they always got their wedding on the table, or the proposal.

 _We were on his boat for the evening and it wasn't an important night. It wasn't his birthday or mine, it wasn't our anniversary but somehow I knew this night was important for him. I could sense the tension in his body when he was hugging me from behind, his arms around my waist and I could see the way he was scratching his ear from the corner of my eyes._

 _We just enjoyed each other company for a while, not talking just listening to the sound of the wave while I was leaning against him for support and warmth. I was playing with his fingers to help him relax, because I wouldn't be able to enjoy a night out, like this, with him nervous and lost in his thoughts._

 _I didn't want to push him but I was about to lose my mind trying to guess what was going on in that head of his. After long minutes, I finally turned around and looked at him, smiling while I played with the hair at the nape of his neck._

 _\- Hey.. Talk to me ?_

 _And instead, of a verbal answer, he got down on his knee, holding a ring between his fingers, looking at me like I was the sun in a dark room._

 _\- Emma Swan, we've known each other for so long that I can't even remember not having you in my life, next to me, with me. I love you more than I can tell, and you know how my vocabulary is vast. I've always knows you were the one for me, but I also knew how you would react if I did any of this sooner. I planned this from such a long time that I truly don't remember when I started really thinking about it. But I never forgot how you always make my day better, just by being here. You're the love of my life, and every day that I'm waking up next to you is such a blessing. Being with you is like an adventure on its own, because you challenge me to be a better man, the best I can for you. I still don't know what I did to deserve you in the end, but I'm so glad I did. We've been strangers, enemies, friends, fuck buddies, strangers again, friends again, best friend and finally lovers. The only name missing on that list, is wife and husband, so, love, would you me the honour of becoming my wife ?_

 _All I could do was nod, in the middle of my tear I saw him putting the ring on my finger and as always with him, it was a perfect fit. I pulled on his hand and kissed him, as deeply as I could while sobbing of happiness._

 **29 weeks later**

3 more weeks, and Emma would finally got her man from war in her arms for at least 18 months. They got the letter 2 weeks earlier that he was off duty after his mission. She was so excited, she decided to invite their friends home.

During the meal, everything was going well and more importantly, she finally saw the end of the tunnel, she could see the light. She was laughing with her friends at some silly comment about her previous mood while Killian was away. She was smiling so much it was starting to hurt, but she was enjoying herself, so much that she didn't hear the doorbell.

As soon as she heard David's voice through the apartment, she knew. She knew something had happened and she knew it was bad. She didn't need to see the officer or hear what he was going to say because, she just knew.

All she wanted to do now, was to run away from this moment, from this life and forget about all of this but she couldn't, could she ? She walked to the door, and David was with her all the time the officer told her what had happened and that she needed to get on the first plane to him. **Make your suitcase, we're leaving in an hour. He's alive.** That's basically all she could remember.

She rushed to her bedroom, their bedroom, and that thought tore her heart in two. She needed to get to Killian fast. She could feel in her gut, how much he needed her. She took her carry-on bag and threw clothes into it, not caring what she was taking. She stopped herself for a minute, and took deep breathe in order to calm herself a little. She needed to stop freaking out, Killian was alive.

She looked into her bag and let everything that was already in, in. She turned to Killian closet and took his favourite sweatpants and shirts. She then packed a book for the trip, and put his sweatshirt on. She had stolen yet another one of his sweatshirt, and she wasn't even sorry about it. She just needed to be close to him, and his clothes was the best thing she could get.

She was closing her back when Mary-Margaret opened the door, and looked at her. Emma refused to look at her friend. She just couldn't. She knew that as soon as she would look in those gentle green eyes she would lose it completely and she didn't have time for that. She needed to get to Killian.

Mary-Margaret just closed the distance between them and hugged Emma, letting her know that all of their friends were here for her, for him, for them. The blonde nodded against the brunette, smiling at the love and support she could feel in her embrace and speech. Emma broke the hug after some seconds, letting her know she was okay. Killian was alive, and they would get through anything as long as they were together.

* * *

Emma left her apartment exactly one hour later, after telling her friends she would text them as soon as she knew what had happened and how Killian really was. She tried to prepare herself for what was about to happen. She needed to think of the worse, because it would always be better than that.

They took a cab to an airport Emma didn't know about, then they took some sort of army plane and flew for most of the day and night. The same officer that was at her house not that 2 hours ago, told her that she should sleep, but how do you sleep when the love of your life is suffering ? how ?!

She just shook her head and let herself get lost in her favourite book, the one she knew by heart because that was her first possession as an orphan. And Killian read it to her so many time, just because she loved his voice. The memory made her smile, and she smiled even bigger because she would do anything for him. Even if it means going to hell for him.

* * *

As soon as they landed, Emma asked them to take her to Killian now. They tried to argue with her, but she wouldn't take no for an answer. She needed to see Killian, to see that he was alive with her own eyes.

They reluctantly let the driver take her to a weird building. Her heart was beating fast, she was sweating and she couldn't breathe correctly. She really needed to get control on herself before she saw him, after so long.

A nurse, or so she thought, came to her and let her know the condition of Killian. Broken ribs, concussion, destroyed left hand that they could rebuild, bruise and internal bleeding that they had already stopped. Other than that, everything was good now. She could feel herself calm down with every step she took. She was walking to him, and that was all she needed now.

The nurse stopped in front of a door, and her heart was beating so loud she was certain Killian could hear it. She just smiled at her and pushed the door open. I couldn't walk to him, I just let my eyes roam his body, looking for any injuries I didn't about. Her vision turned blurry as she was staring at him, the tears making it impossible for her to see anything, anymore.

\- Hey love

A sob tore her apart and she almost ran to him, throwing herself at him on his good side. She couldn't stop crying, not now, not ever. She was back with him. They were together after so many lonely nights. She let herself cried on his chest, letting him hold her as best as he could with his uninjured arm.

She could hear his voice talking nonsense into her hair, trying to comfort her but she couldn't seem to stop sobbing. She was a mess and he was the one on a bed. She took deep breathe and lifted her head, looking at him, and smiling so much it hurts.

\- Hi handsome.

He smiled at her and winked, the bastard winked while he was in an hospital bed for God's sake. It just made her laugh and it was so good to laugh because of him. She touched his cheek with her hand, stroking the skin here.

\- I missed you so much, babe.

He closed his eyes and a tear slide on his cheek, ending his course in her thumb. She could see how sorry and upset he was in that moment, and that's when she realised he thought it was his fault. She got up and pushed him a bit on the left, laying next to him and pulling him into her arms.

\- It's not your fault, you did everything right. You also wouldn't be the man I love if you weren't in the Navy. I love how loyal you are. I won't lie and say it was easy and I wasn't miserable while you were away. Our friends will be delighted to tell you all about it, even Gracie. But it's not your fault. I knew how important it was for you to come here, because of your brother, for him. So don't ever think you did something wrong. I love you so much Killian, and all I've ever wanted for you is to be happy. I know how that job makes you happy.

 **Two years later the accident.**

Emma was looking at Killian in their nursery. Her previous dream, fantasy about them being parents were finally real. She didn't think it was possible for them to outcome everything that happened to them. The accident, Killian losing his job, Emma being promoted, Her complicated pregnancy, the horrifying labor but now everything was perfect. Emma got her husband, and her baby girl with her, and she was **never** letting them go, **never**.


End file.
